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Book Notes – “Awareness: The Perils and Opportunities of Reality” by Anthony de Mello

Check out the full notes for “Awareness” by Anthony de Mello

I picked up Awareness: The Perils and Opportunities of Reality up after hearing it mentioned on Tim Ferriss’s podcast. Actually it was the second time I heard it mentioned that got me to pick it up.

Here’s what Ferriss says about it (in the Tobi Lütke episode around 1:24:10)

It was recommended by a guest on this podcast, Peter Mallouk, who’s in finance. I decided to pick it up because he said every time he re-reads it, and he re-reads it more than any other book, it gives him an extended sense of peace.

And I was like, that’s an interesting… that is not the phrase or explanation that I would expect. (Lütke: That’s a hell of a way to sell a book.)

Peter Mallouk says it’s the book he’s gifted the most. He also told a quick anecdote. He’s worked with a bunch of older people with more money than most people would even imagine having. And they don’t want to spend it. Or they don’t want to enjoy it. They can enjoy it and still have way more than enough to leave to their children and grandchildren.

Here’s Mallouk talking about Awareness (around 1:27:24):

To me, what it basically said was: No matter how good things are, they’re not that good. No matter how bad things are, they’re not that bad. That almost everything you’re experiencing with other people is about the other people—it has very little to do with you. People don’t think about you as much as you think they do.

I think it’s just a very… it’s a book that gives you a lot of perspective about yourself in the world. I think if you read it at the right time in your life—for me, it brought a lot of peace. I’ve read the book a few times. So I love that book.

Tim Ferriss often mentions that he knows plenty of millionaires and billionaires who are unhappy. And the world is filled with people who think that if they had a million dollars, they’d be much happier.

As much as I’d like to be a person who knows that isn’t true, I’d be lying if I said I never think “I wish I had more money, that sure would make me happier!”

Mallouk recommends Awareness for being a great guide in finding happiness in yourself.

Money is only at the surface. Anthony de Mello goes further than not needing money to be happy. You don’t need things to make you happy. You don’t need success to make you happy. Or experiences. Or religion. Or other people. It’s in you.

And now to hold two opposing ideas in my head without it exploding. I’m pretty convinced that happiness shouldn’t be dependent on external factors. At the same time, I’m pretty convinced that happiness is other people. Spending time with people you love. (And, you know, not checking your phone while you’re at it.)

Here are some of my highlights.

“That’s the eagle, the king of the birds,” said his neighbor. “He belongs to the sky. We belong to the earth—we’re chickens.” So the eagle lived and died a chicken, for that’s what he thought he was.

The marshmallow study, the good samaritan study, the thing where the ceramics teacher asks half the students to make as many pots as possible and the other students to focus on making one best pot, the 10,000 hour rule, that story where you start with a jar and fill it with sand and pebbles and rocks…

None of those are in here. It was refreshing for me and another reminder that I need to make an effort to read books outside of business and self-development.

Awareness has a parables from other cultures, and it was my first time hearing a lot of them.

What do you think you are? You might be an eagle.

There’s a lovely saying of Tranxu, a great Chinese sage, that I took the trouble to learn by heart. It goes: “When the archer shoots for no particular prize, he has all his skills; when he shoots to win a brass buckle, he is already nervous; when he shoots for a gold prize, he goes blind, sees two targets, and is out of his mind. His skill has not changed, but the prize divides him. He cares! He thinks more of winning than of shooting, and the need to win drains him of power.”

I added a note here because it reminded me of an episode of Brian Koppelman’s podcast. (This is the Steven Pressfield episode of “The Moment” around 55:53) He talks about this discussion he has with his son about pressure and free throws. Chris Bosh is on the Billions set so they ask him: If your life depended on someone making a free throw, who would you pick to take the free throw?

Bosh’s answer: Ray Allen.

Great choice. Now the best part: Would you tell Ray Allen your life depends on it?

Here’s another story from Awareness:

A woman told me her son had gotten an award at his high school. It was for excellence in sports and academics. She was happy for him, but was almost tempted to say to him, “Don’t glory in that award, because it’s setting you up for the time when you can’t perform as well.” She was in a dilemma: how to prevent his future disillusionment without bursting his bubble now.

This reminded me of Justin Kan’s interview on “This Week in Startups” with Jason Calacanis. Plenty of people want to have successful startups. Justin Kan has had plenty of successful startups.

He’s also been part of failed startups. He knows success and failure and has the perspective to say that success doesn’t automatically turn into happiness.

Plenty of people say that, but I liked what he added: sometimes success does lead to happiness and that’s why you need to be careful.

The dangerous part is having a little bit of success and feeling happiness because of it. Then you start to think bigger success will lead to even more happiness. (Around 1:10:45)

I think that’s right. People struggle with the abundance and then they don’t know what to do. Because there’s no more goal. There’s no more carrot, right? Or you can set a bigger one but then you realize, “Oh I got this one and I’m not any happier.”

So what happened? That’s the promise of America is like oh you do this thing and you get this big cookie or whatever and then boom you’re happy. Then you get it and you eat it and you’re like “I’m not any happier. What happened?”

So you can… people go two ways, right? You set a bigger goal or you realize there’s something else. There’s another axis I have to optimize for.

And then there’s never enough.

So maybe it’s okay to aim for calmness.

From Awareness:

The other situation was when she was driving in traffic, with horns blowing and people shouting four-letter words. She asked me whether eventually that nervousness would dissipate and she could remain at peace. Did you pick up the attachment there? Peace. Her attachment to peace and calm. She was saying, “Unless I’m peaceful, I won’t be happy.” Did it ever occur to you that you could be happy in tension?”

Okay, maybe attaching your happiness to calmness isn’t the answer either.

I recently read Peter Thiel’s Zero to One and he talks about a question he’s known for: “What important truth do very few people agree with you on?”

Anyway, I like thinking about the sort of related but less profound “What have you changed your mind about in the past year?”

Then it can be good to figure out what made you change your mind. One of the most powerful things books can do is change your mind about something.

Can’t Hurt Me and The Upside of Stress changed my mind after reading them around the start of the year. Before reading those books, I thought aiming for as little stress in the day as possible was a good idea. At the same time, I was thinking that I didn’t grow as much as I wanted in the past year (and more).

Now, I’m not saying that I’m aiming for as much stress in the day as possible, either. But I’ve been looking at pushing myself a little more this year. Looking for the right stress to grow in the ways that I want.

That’s what will make me more successful.

Then people will think, “Wow, he’s so cool.”

Leading to more happiness.

(Maybe not.)

How to change the voice in your head: Seth Godin

On “The Moment”, Brian Koppelman asks Seth Godin about self-talk (around 50:28)

Brian: How did you self talk after that? What did you do?

Seth: So my dad had given me these cassettes and I still believe this to be true. We’re seeing it now with the audio revolution. Which we can talk about for one second, in a minute. It wasn’t self talk, it was Zig talk. Zig Ziglar talked to me every day for three hours. For three hours a day, for three years, I listened to this guy. Son of a preacher, we did not have a lot in common, I gotta tell you.

I knew it by heart because there were only 72 hours of stuff. That voice in my head took over because I didn’t have the voice I needed in my head. This guy was telling me stuff that was usually completely irrelevant. But the cadence of his voice reminded me of the best parts of his story. And some people get it from ___, some people get it from James Clear, some from, whatever it is, the running magazine…

(full episode link)

  • You can do this by searching YouTube for your favorite speakers and making some playlists. Try some different speakers out and see which ones resonate with you. Then listen to it again and again.
  • They go on to discuss the power of repetitively listening to this positive talk. Over time you can start thinking with that positivity.
  • After listening to this, I started listening to some Zig Ziglar and am now looking for different audio to put on repeat. Seth himself would be a pretty good voice to keep around for destroying negative self talk.
  • Seth mentions that the audiobook for The War of Art is rare now. I could’ve sworn I have it. I didn’t realize it’s not for sale on Audible anymore but I still have access to my copy. It’s not the one narrated by Steven Pressfield. I went ahead and picked up Turning Pro, which is narrated by him. I’ll try that out for a bit.

Seth Godin: Write in public, change your brain

Seth Godin talks about the power of blogging every day, whether people know it’s you or not (full episode of “The Moment” with Brian Koppelman).

At 22:00:

One of my favorite paths is: start a blog under an assumed name and blog every day. There’s zero fallout from this. No one will know it’s you. If no one reads it, if everyone reads it, it doesn’t matter. But if you write every day in public, things will happen. Your brain will start to behave in a different way.

Writing every day in public is different than writing every day in private. To get better at writing in public, it’ll help to actually write in public. To get your reps in and feel the mindset shift.

It’s also more difficult to write in public than it is to write in private. If it’s too difficult, then use Seth’s advice to make it easier. Do your writing then send it out into the world with your baseball cap and Ray Bans on.

There’s a good chance you’ll find out that nobody cares about your writing. Look at that as a good thing.

Now you can practice without worrying so much. With more practice, you might not feel the need to hide all the time. Then you’ll probably find a few people who care about your writing.

(You might want to start with ten and work your way up.)

Be a demanding reader (and listener)

Check out the full notes for “How to speak, how to listen” by Mortimer J. Adler

Mortimer Jerome Adler explains how to get the most out of speeches and lectures in How to Speak How to Listen:

The essence of being a good reader is to be a demanding reader. A demanding reader is one who stays awake while reading, and does so by asking questions as he reads. Passivity in reading, which really renders the process null and void, consists in using one’s eyes to see the words, but not using one’s mind to understand what they mean.

The good listener, like the good reader, is a demanding listener, one who keeps awake while listening by having in mind the questions to be asked about the speech being listened to.

I spend a good amount of time each day listening to audiobooks and podcasts. I’m often listening to things with retention in mind. The next day I’ll sometimes find it difficult even thinking of what podcast episodes I listened to the day before. If I can’t do that then how can I expect to remember any specific takeaways.

  • Start writing things down — The steps for listening follow the steps Adler explains in How to Read a Book. You take sets of notes. For books it’d be while reading and then reviewing things after reading to elaborate on things. For listening, you take notes while listening (or as soon as you can after if you can’t do it during for whatever reason) and then again to elaborate on the points that you have.
  • Start asking questions — By having questions in mind while listening, you’ll be able to pull out answers. You should try as quickly as possible to get a sense of the overall structure of what you’ll be listening to. With a book, you would skim things. For a speech, hopefully the speaker provides the overview near the beginning. If it’s an audiobook, you can probably find the table of contents online. Depending on the piece, you should also know what point the speaker is trying to make. While listening, consider what parts you agree or disagree with. And when you’ve got all that, then ask yourself “and what of it?” Whether you agree or disagree, what will you do with the gained knowledge? Is there action you can take?

I’ve had an iOS Shortcut for the past year or so that prompts me for a source then a list of topics and then it creates a new note in Evernote. I’ve started using this more often recently (increased from 1-2 times a day to probably 3-5 times a day) to capture topics on the go. I’ve been trying my best to open the shortcut up whenever I finish a podcast.

I have a bunch of notes in a “Topics” notebook. The next step will be reviewing this notebook regularly. I might try to use Zapier to email a compilation of these each week or two.

This is aspirational but here’s the system I’d like to have:

  • Write notes (Topics go into a “Topics” with iOS Shortcuts) —  I’ve got this going. I can continue finding cues to add more notes throughout the day.
  • Review notes (Reminders for now but eventually automated) — Just seeing the list of topics could be good. The iOS Shortcut I have allows me to pick a few of the topics as headers to fill in. This would be a good time to write some bullets for those main topics.
  • Elaborate on notes (Blog posts) — When reviewing the notes, I’m guessing some will stick out a little bit more than the others. At that point I’ll grab an excerpt and write a post and schedule it.

Joe Rogan: Podcasting as an art form

Joe Rogan had Mike Tyson on his podcast. After the interview wraps up, Rogan talks about how big a moment it was for him:
Whoo, we did it. Damn. I just sat down and got high with Mike Tyson. I gotta tell you, out of all the podcasts that I’ve ever done that were weird, that might’ve been one of the weirdest ones. Because… you know podcasts are strange anyway. I’m trying to steer the conversation. It seems a highfalutin word to call it an art form. But there is some artistic and creative aspect to it. There’s some engineering to it. Not always, sometimes it just flows. Sometimes it’s just fun.
It’s great that all these conversations are available free through podcasts.
I’m currently reading How to Speak How to Listen by Mortimer J. Adler. In it, he explains how to be effective in one-way communication (speaking, listening) and two-way conversation. He breaks the two-way talk into four types:

This gives us four main types, as follows: (1) social conversation; (2) the personal, heart-to-heart talk; (3) the impersonal, theoretical talk that is instructive or enlightening; and (4) the impersonal, practical talk that is persuasive with respect to action.

Podcasts come in all of these forms (along with some of the one-way types from solo, non-interview shows).

I like that Joe Rogan is able to move between those different types of conversations between episodes (and sometimes within an episode).

  • Social conversation — Most of Rogan’s episodes have some element of this. His MMA-focused episodes usually have some upcoming PPV as the overall topic for him to discuss with a fighter. He’s got deep knowledge about fighting so this allows you to listen in on two experts talking to each other.
  • Heart-to-heart — Of course, you won’t get the full heart to heart on a public episode. There’s always going to be a difference between fully private conversations and a conversation that millions will listen to. Still, he has friends on that he’s known for years, sometimes decades. It’s great to hear how two stand-up comedians talk when they’re not talking about comedy. That said, go listen to Joe Rogan breaking down Brendan Schaub for something close to a full heart-to-heart conversation. (Schaub walked away from fighting shortly after this. Not entirely because of it, but it’s an element.)
  • Impersonal, theoretical — I admire that Rogan is so enthusiastic about talking to smart people. He knows that he knows very little about certain fields and that the best way to learn about it is to talk to an expert. (Sometimes he’ll have two experts on and will act as moderator. These can end up pretty infuriating.)
  • Practical two-way talk — Adler describes this as “Practical two-way talk may also be motivated by one person trying to get another or others to do something”. Rogan isn’t trying to hard-sell the audience on things (except when literally doing ad reads). But in some episodes, he’ll be pretty persuasive in getting guests to try floating, cryotherapy, going hunting, or whatever else he’s up to lately.

I added a new “Podcasting” category that I’ll try to add to with thoughts on podcasting as an activity.

You don’t have a choice (Yes you do!)

My new TV came in last night and I threw Creed on it while cleaning up the styrofoam and box. 

Creed says he doesn’t have a choice. He has to fight. 

The people around him remind him that, hey, it’s actually a choice. You’re kind of stretching “have to” here.

It’s nice when a choice is clear. I gave in to Black Friday ads and bought a TV. That was clearly a choice. (Though I’m sure you’ve seen a deal that made you feel like you had no choice. Time to buy.)

Sometimes you don’t realize you had a choice. If you’re unhappy, you’ve made some choices leading to that state. There are choices you’ll make today that can continue that. Or you can make choices to start turning the ship around.

This reminds me of a question Tim Ferriss brought up in a podcast episode with DHH. He also mentions it in Tools of Titans:

TF: Have you outgrown your systems or beliefs? Is it time that you upgraded? Or, on a personal level, as Jerry Colonna, executive coach to some of the biggest tech stars in Silicon Valley, would ask: “How are you complicit in creating the conditions you say you don’t want?”

A lot of things feel automatic but you probably made choices to create whatever system it is that made it automatic.

In Choose the Life You Want: The Mindful Way to Happiness, Tal Ben-Shahar explains that you have choices all the time:

“In fact, at every moment in our life we have a choice.

RMaybe this realization shouldn’t have come as such a surprise to me. After all, research in psychology illustrates that about 40 percent of our happiness is determined by the choices that we make—what we choose to do and how we choose to think directly impact the way we feel.”

But they’re still choices. And the accumulation of your small choices day in and day out has a lot more power over a lifetime than most single choices.

To make a good choice, practice recognizing that everything is a choice in the first place. 

And be grateful that your choices today will probably be smaller than choosing to live your GOAT-boxer father’s legacy and try to rise out of his shadow.